Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
