About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
