Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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