i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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