My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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