I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
