An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
