weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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