Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
