Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
