If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
