I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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