Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
