I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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