theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
