community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
