EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
