So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
