Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
