So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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