threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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