Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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