I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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