My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
