I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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