Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
