On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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