I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
