How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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