the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
