Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I didn't notice because vodka
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
