mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
