I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
