Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
