If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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