tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
