i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The best revenge is premature balding
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
