I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
