gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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