shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
