thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
