we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
