We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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