He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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