Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
