I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
