Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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