I hope mine doesn't look like that
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
