I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
