i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
