My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
