Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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