$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
